Sorry
by Patrick pas triste
Summary: Bellamy and Lexa used to be the best friends that could exist. Until Bellamy kind of disappeared... After years of absence he finally comes back. Story inspired by Halsey's song "sorry". (I apologise for the language mistakes, I'm not a native speaker)


**This is my very first ff in english, I hope there won't be to many mistakes. Anyway, I already apologise for them. Please leave comments so I can improve my level !**

 **But, most important thing, enjoy.**

I'm sitting on a chair, some music going on in my ears. The library is empty. Well, actually... from what I can see. I guess a library as big as Polis' one is never empty. I'm working for my "stellar structure and evolution" lesson. An exam is coming in two weeks, I need to get ready. I'm talking in a low voice, repetiting every sentence I get to read. I feel like I'm not efficient enough, but it's probably just a feeling. I've always tended to be hard to please, especially towards myself.

-Lexa...?

I hear a voice above my shoulder and I look at the source of the sound.

-Oh my god !

I take my headphones off and stand up. The music keeps on playing, I just don't care. Why would I ? Bellamy's here ! Since how long haven't I seen him ? There's a huge smile on my face, I'm not sure whether I've the right to smile that much or not... Last time we met, we kind of ignored each other. Actually, if I trust his facial expression, I can smile as much as I want.

-You look so, so amazing ! How cute !!!

Nervous laugh from my ex-best friend. I kind of throw myself between his arms. Still that warm, still that impression of suddenly being safe. Bellamy laughs again before gently stepping back.

-Waw... what an energy. You've been missing me, haven't you ?

-Sure I have ! I didn't know you were in town... it's been so long !

-Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa... I'm sorry.

-It's okay, relax... sit down by my side.

I sit back on my chair, Bellamy takes a seat in front of me. He borrows my book to see what I was studying.

-Stellar structure and evolution... I've always known you were crazy smart. Astrophysics, then ?

-Yup.

-It's funny, I chose to study oceanology.

-Exploring... like when we were kids.

-It seems like we haven't changed.

-Well, I'm glad to see how your smile hasn't changed either.

Bellamy seems flattered, even though I can tell he is a bit embarassed.

-I've missed you, L'ami.

-And I've missed that strange nickname ! (I laugh, Bellamy seems proud of it) No, seriously... do you think that, maybe, we could talk about that dark period of our lives ?

-In a library ?

-Why not ? We both love books, don't we ?

-We do...

I don't see what he actually means, it is kind of stressful.

When we were young teenagers, I was twelve or thirteen years old, I started to lose Bellamy. Even though I did my best to keep our relationship as great as before, he was getting more distant. Less talk, less time spent together, less everything. One day Bellamy simply didn't say "hi". I felt like desesperate. Why did I keep on hoping, on trying as it seemed obvious that Bellamy was definitively over our friendship ? I cried every night in my bed. But then, I found some new friends. They obviously didn't seem balance Bellamy. But that guy, even though he was with no doubt the best, didn't want to hear anything from me anymore. We simply became strangers. I guess that Bellamy is talking about that time, when he says "that dark period of our lives"... what else ?

-Aren't we okay with this ? That whole seperation stuff ?

-I... I haven't explained anything to you !

-Actually, you have. "Our paths diverged, Lexa". You said that, you apologised and then you left. I can't stand that sentence since that day... how stupid.

-Yeah. At least we agree on the fact that I owe you an explanation.

-If you say so...

I realise music is still playing in my headphones. Emmanuel Moire... oh my god, that one comes from my phone's entrails.

-Sorry for that.

I make the music stop under Bellamy's amused face. When I face him again, he suddenly looks less enthusiast. I haven't seen him since a century but I would swear he seems sorry. Outch... am I ready to face this discusion ? I'm not sure about that. Anyway, let's do this...

-So ! What did you want to explain ?

-Huh... nothing. Just wanted to apologise for that shitty story. We were best friends and I totally fucked it up.

-That's indeed how it felt like...

-And I... I...

-Yes ?

-You know what ? You were right. We should not be talking about this in a library. You've an apartment, I guess ? Maybe I could just watch you working and then... Then I'll follow to your place so we can talk.

-Okay...

I'm a bit suspicious about that but, actually, there's nothing I would dare to do to escape this situation. It's about Bellamy. I've never been able to say "no" to him... he is the best friend I've ever had, even though he isn't my best friend anymore. Bellamy gives me my astrophysics book back. I open it on the good page but... yeah, I can't focus. So many questions in my head and only one will : get to know a bit more about the adult Bellamy.

-So... what are you doing in town ?

-Just... I took some holidays. Guess I needed them...

-Are you okay ?

-Sure I am... Honestly ? I've been offered some rest and I decided to use it to see you. I've been thinking for a very long time that I could live knowing I've been a dick to you but... I was wrong. You're too important to me. And you have the right to know.

-And you want me to focus on my lesson after that ? Seriously ?

Bellamy laughs again. I pretend to be exasperated and go back working. But -how predictable !- I still can't focus.

-You mind if I listen to some music ? It helps me for my concentration.

-Do whatever you want.

I take my phone and change the song that was on pause. The titel that replaces "Ne s'aimer que la nuit" is like an electrochoc to me. "Sorry", from Halsey. A girl sincerely apologising for not having noticed a friend's crush on her. As soon as I heard it, less than two weeks ago, I thought about Bellamy. Ridiculous, right ? I know. But still... One day, -Bell' and I were already "seperated"- I was complaining about the situation and that stupid dummy (yep, my little bro') said "ya know, I get his point. You totally friendzoned that poor guy..."

That sentence totally fucked my whole life up. No, seriously, my **whole life**. I didn't believe it, of course, but still the doubt existed. How could the one I loved the most, in a friendly way, love me in other ways ? Every look, every discussion got a second meaning. It's like that day I was told Santa Claus didn't excist. You just keep on repeating how impossible it is... then your look fixes far off and you realise everything just changed. I still don't know what to think about that friendzone story...

But now. Now, I hear that freaking sad song and I see Bellamy tenderly and sadly starring at me. I turn the music off and close my book.

-Wow ! Ya okay, Lex' ?

-I...

What am I doing ? Tears well up in my eyes and I just can't help it.

-I need to know...

-Need to know what ? Lexa, calm down... are you crying ?

-What ? No, no...

-I've never seen you crying, Lexa. Well, except that one day you had an appendicitis. And it was pretty scary, I thought i was going to lose you. Oh, I digressed, sorry... What's happening ?

I laugh softly, Bellamy takes my hands between his long fingers. His big, soft, nice eyes are fixing me with worries. And THAT makes me even more sure about my brother's affirmation. Well... maybe not "more sure", but "less hesitating".

My ex-best friend looks so anxious and, when I speak, I don't even recognise my voice.

-I am so, so sorry...

-What ? No ! I am the one who left.

-Yeah, I know but...

-Lex' ! What is happening in your mind ? There's no need to apologise. I left ! I fucked our story up ! I am the bad guy here.

-Sure you're not ! You've never been the bad guy, Bellamy.

-Could you please explain what's happening ? I don't see what your point is.

I take a deep breathe. Should I say what's on my mind ? Yeah, probably...

-You left for a reason, right ? What was that reason ?

All Bellamy's energy disappears. He lets his back fall on his chair back.

-What do you think my reason was ?

I'm not sure I want to answer that question... It would suddenly make it all so real. So painful. But I have to. We both deserve the truth. Tears are rolling down my cheeks, Bellamy watches me with no smile.

-Bellamy... did I... I hate that word but...

-What, Lexa ?

-Okay... did you... I mean : was I... my bro' told me that... and you, you know...

-No, I dunno.

-I...

-Lexa, speak !

-DID YOU LOVE ME ?!?

Crap.

I shouted.

In a library, in a public place.

Bellamy's going to hate me.

I'm watching his face, expecting to see a reaction. There isn't any. My heartbeats are going so fast, I wonder why on earth I decided to talk about this subject. Bellamy does not move, he barely seems to breath. After a long, very long silence, he manifests a sign of life.

-I did.

My whole world is crashing down again. I just need to keep doing. The show must go on, I guess.

-I'm so, so sorry... you know I love you, right ? So sorry it happened that way.

-Haven't you ever noticed anything ?

-It wasn't even possible to me, you were - you are Bellamy ! Like... Bellamy ! How could we be more than friends ?

-Okay... thanks.

-No ! I don't mean no offense, sorry again. What I mean is...

-This conversation is over.

-No, stop with that. Let me decide, for once !

-Why on earth would you say that ?!?

- **You** decided to leave, **you** decided not to give me a chance. So, this time, you let **me** speak.

-Okay...

-I love you, Bellamy. As the best friend I ever had. I've always seen you that way and I couldn't see you in any other way. That's my fault, I was stupid. I was blind, I admit, and I'm very sorry about that. Very, very sorry. But why haven't you said anything ? We could have figured it out.

-To figure what out ? How to "solve" my feelings ? God they aren't a sickness !

-They made you leave, so maybe they were.

-Why do you use the past tense ?

-Huh... you... you still have feelings for me ? We didn't talk to each other for a decade...

-But we know each other for **two** decades.

- _L'ami_... I'm so, so sorry.

-Even the nickname you give me friendzoned me. That's why I couldn't stay. Every time I saw you, every time you talked, every single time we were in the same building, I was feeling like I would never get what my heart had needed for years.

-Come on... you didn't love me that much.

-I did. Unfortunately I still do. I thought I was over you, as Australia was really great ! , but when I see you...

-Bellamy... I am sorry. I trully am.

-I guess I know, by now.

-What am I supposed to do, now ?

Bellamy doesn't answer. He stares at me for what feels like hours.

-Do I have any chance to get what I've always wanted ?

-Bel'...

He sighs once more.

-That's okay... We're okay. I guess I just needed to say it to you.

-Is it over ?

-I've finally been honest to you. Now I must keep on living my life.

-So you're just... like, you're simply leaving ?

-I guess so. Goodbye, Lexa.

I am so sad, but at the same time I am freaking angry. Why on earth did he fall in love with me ? Why can't he simply get over it ? Those questions may haunt me until the day of my death but, at least, I feel like I'm in peace. I know what has happened, I finally understand. You know, maybe I'll meet him again ?

Bellamy sighs and then stands up. My heartbeats go faster as I realise this can't be the end. We must meet again.

-Bellamy ! Wait. We need to see each other some day.

-Huh... I'm not sure about that.

-Come on ! Give a look at your calendar.

-Lexa, no... I need some more space.

I stand up to face the best person on earth ever.

-What are you doing in ten years ? Are you available ? Same place, same day ?

There's a moment of perfect astonishment. Bellamy needs some seconds to get my point, to make sure I didn't mean "days" instead of "years". He seemed so sad, downcast, but now it seems like everything has changed. He finally nods, and I feel like things have just changed for me too.

-Yeah... that would be great.

I throw myself between his arms and I hug him with all my strength.

-See you, then.

-Yeah, see you, Lexa.

Tears tumble down my cheeks as Bellamy turns around.

I think this is how the combination of happiness and hope feels like.


End file.
